ankysim

Archive for September, 2014|Monthly archive page

A Fan Blowing Your Way aka My Biggest Fan

In Relationships on September 1, 2014 at 9:09 am

As usual, whilst I was wandering along, doing my own dastardly thing, what should hit, but the arrow of that little cherub.  I must be one sitting duck, for all the arrows that have pierced my heart.  And it must have been a disturbingly long and convoluted arrow that would find its mark again.  Does Cupid use me for target practice for his most unconventional arrows?  Perhaps the holes in my chest are so broad, and the skin over my heart so stretched, as to enable the easy access for another of his arrows that would have bounced off another, or that would have not had a smooth glide into the heart.  Ah well.

In any case, this is a religious year for me.  Perhaps it is time to reconsider religion in my life and the purpose it plays. But somehow, for all that I’ve experienced and seen, I find religion yet another form of living (or life theme!) to choose from.  We’re sporty, or we’re not, we’re foodies or we’re not … we’re religious or we’re not.  Yes? And upon deciding on a lifestyle, we stick to it, and abide by it in making all decisions, and that further entrenches us in the lifestyle we choose.

I say this because of what I’ve learnt from two years back – that there is not such thing as strange, it’s whether I have seen it before or not.  Out of 6 billion people in the world, there are 6 billion individual lives to lead, and a bulk of them are coerced along the same directions, by society – to make them easier to manage, to herd the flock in a predetermined direction.  We are human because we are given the ability to think beyond the herd, and break out on our own. But for every individual who wants to break out beyond the norm, there are also others who want to fit in within the norm. And this norm is determined by the culture we grow up in.  In any case, whatever exists in the world, no matter how individualistic, humans are herd creatures, and we often look for people who are in the same boat as us – from a similar lifestyle, to a similar preference.  It is indeed hard to find a truly individualistic person who needs not seek companionship and a meeting of minds, body and soul to make their journey on earth a little more pleasant.

And who am I to judge – given a short span of time on earth.  Who am I to judge my predecessors, and the future generations, what they may think and what they may do with their lives? We are each free to choose.  If you think about it, even murderers have a kinship with fellow murderers – there are so many of them, that we have jails for them  – a fraternity of like-minded individuals, as scary as it may sound.   Though few, who are the rest of us to judge against them?  Is the majority always right?  As witnessed in the burning of so-called witches who were gifted in healing arts back in the middle ages, the majority was often misled.

In any case, my biggest fan is turning into one whirlwind of a lifetime.  Time flies literally when we meet and talk and talking honestly is what I have to give to this person (and myself) now.  And at the same time discover (uncover) my pain, my forgiveness, my experiences, my happiness and my sorrows – all over again – from a new light – that of a wiser (I hope) person, 18 years later.  In sharing things I’ve never shared with another soul before, it cleanses me in a way.  It is really really nice (no better word for it) to be listened to and understood and un-judged, and simply loved.  In his arms I feel cherished, protected, and needed.  I feel that I can do no wrong, and I feel empowered and emboldened to be who I truly am.  Life’s tough as it is, and here is another individual who is mature enough to understand that, and to see the end of life for what it is, and our journey together as simply that – a journey.  From him I understand that love can grow, and that love can also wither, but all the more, how precious love is.

But as with every silver lining, there is a cloud, and within this cloud lies a storm brewing of murky proportions.  It’s sad when it hangs over our heads, and sadder when it rains.  But perhaps it will be better for it to rain and then blow away.  In the meantime, we huddle under its shadow and savour each precious second that we can before it pours.  It’s intense, it’s exciting, and it’s uncertain – which just serve to heighten its preciousness, and make us cherish it more.

I so wish that my biggest fan could also blow away this cloud, and that sunny days may surface. But it looks like we’re in for long gloomy days ahead.  Stay tuned for the weather report 🙂